by Rachel Constance, LSW
Gaslighting is a form of abuse otherwise known as ‘Crazy Making’. It often happens in any type of relationship in which there is an imbalance of power. This can be experienced in families, friendship circles, romantic partnerships, work relationships, etc… The purpose of gaslighting is to keep the imbalance of power by making the ‘subordinate’ question their senses and overall sanity. It becomes notable when the abuser is held accountable or forced to face their behavior. Lying, cheating, and stealing are among the subjects about which the abuser refuses to take accountability. At times during which they are forced to face their fault; they may call the victim crazy, too sensitive, or insecure. They may say, “I never said that!” (even if it is in writing). They may say, “You need to get your eyes checked”, “…head examined”, etc. or any other type of statement that will take the focus off the problem (which was their behavior) and onto the victim or target. This may cause mental health problems in the victim which may mimic depression or any thought disorder as the person feels hopeless and confused. In extreme cases, the victim over time may even begin to believe the abuser and take the blame for the narcissist’s behaviors and actions. When such occurs, the abuser gains full control over the victim. The victim may become consumed by depression and even fear by showing signs of chronic hypervigilance. The best thing a narcissistic abuser can do is make their victim feel like they (the narcissist) are the only ones that care about them (the victim). This can lead to feelings of isolation, or detachment from others and creates an environment in which the abuser can manipulate their victim fully, without fear of getting caught or called out.
What happens when I see my friend/loved one being abused or gaslit by a narcissist?
Watching a friend of family member deal with narcissistic abuse or gaslighting can be very difficult and sensitive. When approaching a person regarding the abuse they are experiencing its best to do so carefully. Many victims in the early or very late stages of abuse may not even recognize the behaviors attributed to their own mistreatment. They may be blinded by the emotion or attachment they feel for their abuser and see nothing wrong with the abuser’s behavior. Recognizing that the sufferer may not be in their right frame of mind is the first step to helping them. A therapist or a mental health professional can help a friend of family member navigate such situations without creating a traumatic experience for the victim.
What happens when the abuser is someone you know or your own spouse?
One of the main deciphering characteristics of a narcissist is; they are NEVER wrong (in their opinion). Approaching a narcissist about their behaviors will lead to denial and gaslighting and headaches for all involved. In extreme cases, an intervention or even simple presentation of faults can turn violent. So… the short answer to this question is, it’s best to separate yourself and/or the victim from the situation rather than try to reason with the abuser.
Understanding the signs and symptoms of emotional abuse by a narcissist is important. Whether it’s in your own relationship or in the relationships of your loved ones. Navigating such situations can be tricky and can cause bigger issues if not handled quickly and safely. If this happens to you, or if you find yourself in a situation you don’t know how to fix see a therapist who recognizes narcissistic abuse as abuse.
